Ahh me head

My head hurts. I'm tired. I guess I should have slept last night and had more to eat today. Have we bombed anybody yet? :l Blah. More conflicting news reports keep coming in about the death toll, who is to blame, the trail of evidence, etc. If the media would just back off for a bit the government could do its job, and we wouldn't get all of this false, split second information.

Aftershocks. No sleepy, too much thinky

Well I can't sleep.. cos my mind won't shut up. Earlier I was feeling a lot of fear and anger. Hopelessness. Helplessness. A whole dictionary of words. Just sitting at my computer.. watching the news. As I have been since I woke up at 9 am yesterday morning. It's kind of comforting.. but it's just the same info over and over and over.. Maybe I need to hear it a million times. To get it through my head. That this happened. All of those people are gone. The indestructible US has a boo boo. I get to thinking about what it means to live in my country. What it means to be a citizen. I was born in this country. When you're born into a country, do you have no choice but to defend it? No choice but to be proud of where you come from? I don't always agree with the things the United State does. I don't necessarily like our President. I bitch about laws and policies that are "unfair". Roll my eyes at taxes. But I know that compared to others around the world I don't have it bad. I think it's horrible when people around the world die needlessly, and I know it happens every day. Reporters could get on the air and relay tragedies 24 hours a day and still would not be able to cover all of the sad and disgusting things that happen in this world. The attack on the US is just a speck, a dot, among the terrible things that take place. But did thousands of innocent people at work deserve to die? Does any country deserve to have their own planes turned against them? I have no choice but to feel for my country, and feel to defend it.War has been mentioned. I seriously think war is a possibility. Terrorists have dangled a carrot in front of the US. Dropped an invitation in our laps. US buildings around the world have had several attacks in the recent past, and I think by attacking the country directly it's the final straw. I never wanted to believe I could be around for a possible World War III. Desert Storm was when I was in Elementary school.. but now I'm of age and that means my brother, my boyfriend, my friends, my cousin.. could all be shipped out. War is nasty and there are already too many problems going on in the world.. but how can this be resolved? A hippie love-in and a handshake won't mend this.I've been reading a lot of diaries tonight and this morning. Trying to figure out what the world thinks and feels. I've found that more people have compassion than hatred. I'm amazed at the support and love being flooded from people around the world; people I don't even know and I will never see. People who aren't even here, but feel it as if it was their own city; as if it was their own reality. I want to let these people know that the compassion is a two-way street, and in their times of need and concern the love is just an ocean away. I wish I could hug everyone who had kind words and say thank you. So I guess thank you! ::Hugs::More than anything I wonder if the Pentagon and Towers are it. What if there is more to come? The fourth plane crashed into a field, so we may never know what building it was targeting. Possibly a second attack on the Pentagon, or an attack on the White House. Maybe some other monument, or an airforce base. It's not necessarily the earthquake, but the aftershocks. The quake hit. Now where could something hit next, what if there's something hidden or yet to come. There could be another attack tomorrow; there could be an attack in a month. I don't know who is responsible for the attack, but I do know they killed 266 people on commercial flights, an estimated 800 at the Pentagon, thousands in the Twin Towers, and an estimated 200 rescue people. I hope the terrorists pay dearly.I sit here.. and I just don't know what to think or say. Why do countries even have to "attack" each other or use force? Why do we have to have high security? Why did our high security fail? How can our country be secure? I just know that I'm awake, but like a zombie. History is just going to keep repeating itself, isn't it? I guess I'm just going to sit here until the sun comes up.. and go hang my American flag in front of my house.

United States kicked in the balls

Today has been the most incredible day. I didn't want to think the US could ever be a huge target like it was today.. I woke up at 9 Pacific time and the tv was blaring away about America Under Attack. Saw the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers, the pictures of the Pentagon, the pictures of the plane near Pittsburgh. Saw the fires, the people falling from the buildings, the clouds of smoke and papers. Words don't describe how I feel.. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know if I'm supposed to stop and cry because it's my country, and this attack could have been on anywhere in the United States, or if I'm just supposed to say "oh well" and go about my daily business. It's just so bizarre.. this is my country. This is where I live.My hurt has started to turn to anger, as I look at how stupid the US can be to allow these four tragedies to occur in the first place. How is it that four different security slips occur, within hours of eachother, on the same coast? How can four planes be hijacked at the same time and be used against the country in which owns and runs them? How can American citizens be used as a missle against their own fellow citizens? How did this all happen with the planes being tracked on radar? Isn't there restricted air over the Pentagon? Then after the fact, we were given details about where the President and Vice President were, and updates on where our local military people were headed, and this and that. Gee, any terrorists with CNN can see exactly what the US is doing. A lot of the US was shut down today, but I don't think a day is enough. It's amazing how security just goes downhill after a couple of hours fly by..Another problem that I see is how easily we let people into our country to begin with. People in Canada (and I'm not dissing on Canada, I love our little neighbors to the North) can just come across the border (like the guy with explosives in his car who wanted to blow up the Space Needle) and also across the Mexican border. People fly into our country all the time from all over the world on Visa's and they're just free to frolic all they want. That's dangerous. I just hope Bush actually does something about this, and not let the past attacks on our embassy's, ships, and today's tragedy go unpunished and allow terrorists to go on about their merry way of violence and hatred, with their arrogant attitudes. The world could easily have another war on its hands.. which is scary. I just cannot believe the terrorists have not been squashed yet. You see them on the news shooting their guns and celebrating.. and it makes me want to shove their own weapons in their mouths and give them something to really chew on.Lets just hope our country beefs up security PERMANENTLY, and we check into incoming visitors more closely. I don't think anyone from the suspected terrorist countries should be allowed into the US until wah-his-name is captured. I think the US should also make it clear that they will bomb whatever country is harboring the suspected terrorists, so people will push the culprit out where he/she/they/it have nowhere to hide.Inside of myself I give thoughts of prayer to the poor people at the center of this mess.. and I pray the US has brains enough to defend itself, and do so in a decent manner for the rest of time.

United States kicked in the balls

Today has been the most incredible day. I didn't want to think the US could ever be a huge target like it was today.. I woke up at 9 Pacific time and the tv was blaring away about America Under Attack. Saw the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers, the pictures of the Pentagon, the pictures of the plane near Pittsburgh. Saw the fires, the people falling from the buildings, the clouds of smoke and papers. Words don't describe how I feel.. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know if I'm supposed to stop and cry because it's my country, and this attack could have been on anywhere in the United States, or if I'm just supposed to say "oh well" and go about my daily business. It's just so bizarre.. this is my country. This is where I live.My hurt has started to turn to anger, as I look at how stupid the US can be to allow these four tragedies to occur in the first place. How is it that four different security slips occur, within hours of eachother, on the same coast? How can four planes be hijacked at the same time and be used against the country in which owns and runs them? How can American citizens be used as a missle against their own fellow citizens? How did this all happen with the planes being tracked on radar? Isn't there restricted air over the Pentagon? Then after the fact, we were given details about where the President and Vice President were, and updates on where our local military people were headed, and this and that. Gee, any terrorists with CNN can see exactly what the US is doing. A lot of the US was shut down today, but I don't think a day is enough. It's amazing how security just goes downhill after a couple of hours fly by..Another problem that I see is how easily we let people into our country to begin with. People in Canada (and I'm not dissing on Canada, I love our little neighbors to the North) can just come across the border (like the guy with explosives in his car who wanted to blow up the Space Needle) and also across the Mexican border. People fly into our country all the time from all over the world on Visa's and they're just free to frolic all they want. That's dangerous. I just hope Bush actually does something about this, and not let the past attacks on our embassy's, ships, and today's tragedy go unpunished and allow terrorists to go on about their merry way of violence and hatred, with their arrogant attitudes. The world could easily have another war on its hands.. which is scary. I just cannot believe the terrorists have not been squashed yet. You see them on the news shooting their guns and celebrating.. and it makes me want to shove their own weapons in their mouths and give them something to really chew on.Lets just hope our country beefs up security PERMANENTLY, and we check into incoming visitors more closely. I don't think anyone from the suspected terrorist countries should be allowed into the US until wah-his-name is captured. I think the US should also make it clear that they will bomb whatever country is harboring the suspected terrorists, so people will push the culprit out where he/she/they/it have nowhere to hide.Inside of myself I give thoughts of prayer to the poor people at the center of this mess.. and I pray the US has brains enough to defend itself, and do so in a decent manner for the rest of time.

Candles and cake and daisychains

My days are all mixed up, so I don't know what the hell I'm typing about which day. Lets just say since I've last written I've done a lot of sitting around, some job hunting and shopping, and I went in to get my first ever "female exam" (and yes, it hurt a little ;( ). The weather is a little nicer than it has been.. go figure. Summer is supposed to be over and the freakin' sun is out and shining. Where's the rain and clouds?! But I guess the Fall sun is nice to look at. I just have two more weeks and then I have to go back to school.. blah. Sometimes I really love school and sometimes I really hate it. And of course, I always hate traffic, cars, people and being in public. I just hope I don't have a heart attack trying to tackle 21 credits this quarter. I have no idea if Lisa has made a registration appointment; I just know she was waiting on her transcripts to come in from her previous school.I keep looking for a job. But nothing! I am the virus of the working world I guess. I'm giving up on Best Buy, their system seems stupid. Yankee Candle is supposed to call by next month with seasonal work. I have a couple of other options available, but it's like shit I've been looking for a job since the end of May. I tried typing up a resume yesterday, but I didn't have much to put on it. I have no skills and not a lot of job experience. No clubs, no awards, no volunteer experience. I figure I'll start volunteering somewhere once a week.. get some volunteer credits. B is back in school. He's not too happy with going 4 days a week, but at least he'll get some of his required stuff out of the way. He's gone on some interviews so hopefully he'll have a job soon and we can start putting away some money. I was PMS and bitchy to him yesterday, which made me annoyed at myself. I love him a lot and he's the only guy who has never given me a load of bullshit, so hurting him hurts me. I'm glad he can put up with me and he still wants to stick with me.Tomorrow is my mom's Birthday, so I need to bake a cake and go find some candles and buy the last of her present, plus go check on some jobs and then surprise her on her lunch break. Busy busy..

Looking at clouds

I haven't been up to too much. Surprised?My parents went out of town for the weekend to camp with neighbors. Aaron and I decided the weather would probably be crappy over there, and we didn't feel like being away for three days just to sit around and play cards and eat peanuts, so we stayed home. B called me on Saturday and we talked for awhile. I know it makes him really happy to hear my voice, it means a lot to him. Just can't afford to do it that often. That night I started to clean out the attic since it's always such a mess. My parents just throw shit in there and then we can never find anything. So I started to put Holiday decorations in one section, furniture in another, empty boxes in one, etc. Sunday morning I finished cleaning it out, and it looks good now. On Sunday Aaron decided to switch his furniture in his room around, so he did that. He's been trying to clean his room for three weeks or so now, and still has not been able to do it. He threw some stuff in the attic today that didn't fall in the designated spaces I made, so that irritated me :P and I had to place his crap where it "belongs." I also started decorating these old tins my mom has. I figured I could make them into candle holders. Lately I just get all worked up and I'm super hyper and I need "projects" to work on, so I decorate things or work on my scarf. I still need to tackle my hundreds of poems/songs and put them into a notebook, but it'll take forever because I have to sort them out by year and make sure all of the copies are together and check for changes I've made on them.Today in the Pacific Northwest magazine there was an article about a local author who wrote a book about Kurt Cobain, so I read that. I still find Kurt Cobain to be one of the most fascinating people I have ever heard of, and I find his life to be mysterious, chilling and sad. I don't know why I feel so close to his story, but I do. There's a part of me that keeps thinking he has to be alive, hidden away somewhere, and someday he'll resurface and then people will be able to say "wow, your life was really something."Tomorrow I'm back on the job hunt. I turned an application into Yankee Candle on Friday. The job is supposedly nights and Saturday night. Hopefully they'll give me a call since I have seasonal experience, but I still need to keep looking, anyway, since I've been unsuccessful so far. B has an interview, himself, tomorrow. The CC sent me a letter saying I owe another freakin' $30 in lab fees.. It's amazing that all of these money changes keep popping up. I thought I was in CC, not University. It's supposed to be cheap!

Sunny days.. why won't the unemployment just go away

The last few days the weather has been decent. I went out and laid in the sun one day. I wish it would just turn to Fall, though, instead of this lame Summer weather. It's just cloudy, then it's sunny and hot, then rainy. I'd rather just have a cool Autumn with rain and leaves and have that nice smell in the air.Over the weekend my brother talked to my cousin Valarie. She was saying things like she wishes she had gone to school, so she's going to try to get into school, and she's on sick leave from work, and her roommate is also pregnant so she hopes their two kids can be best friends, and her mother-in-law doesn't support her, and her husband wants her to move back to PA with him. It just makes me mad that she was engaged and screwed it all up by not going on birth control, so she got pregnant out of wedlock and then ends up eloping with the guy and now all of a sudden she wants to have the kid and dump it off at the babysitters so she can go to school. It's very irresponsible. My aunt (her stop-mom) is very angry about being a "grandmother", so to rub it in we're going to mail her a license plate for Christmas that says "Happiness is being a grandma."My grandma called this morning and left a message stating that my aunt is coming into town for the weekend, and my other aunt is going to drive up from the South end, so she wanted to know if we wanted to get together with all of them. I'm like uh.. I dunno. My parents are going to be out of town, so that leaves me to decide if I'm going to be nice and represent our branch.My great aunt sent a letter with some pictures of our family from Christmas '93. In the card she mentioned that she and my great uncle are going off to Spain, England, Canada, etc. soon. I told my mom they're probably taking the money from the logged family property (that is supposed to go towards the care for my great grandma) and using it for their own amusement.I went and filled out a job application but never got a call back. I filled out an online application for another place and went in for an interview today, but the place of business isn't going to open up until the end of September and they can't guarentee any jobs, so I'm just going to continue my search and hope someone will fucking hire me before I turn 30. Lisa went down to try and get student housing for school, but it didn't work out so she's going to be attending community college with me for at least a semester. I'm going to try and type up all of my poems/songs and their alternate versions so I can put them in notebooks and keep track of them. Whenever I go through and read things I've written it's amazing to me.. I've written some really ugly and passionate stuff.I found some furniture that I want in a K-Mart ad.. so today I transferred some money so I can go buy it. I figure if I can stock things up now it'll be an easier transition when I actually do go to move later on.*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*