Ahh me head

My head hurts. I'm tired. I guess I should have slept last night and had more to eat today. Have we bombed anybody yet? :l Blah. More conflicting news reports keep coming in about the death toll, who is to blame, the trail of evidence, etc. If the media would just back off for a bit the government could do its job, and we wouldn't get all of this false, split second information.

Aftershocks. No sleepy, too much thinky

Well I can't sleep.. cos my mind won't shut up. Earlier I was feeling a lot of fear and anger. Hopelessness. Helplessness. A whole dictionary of words. Just sitting at my computer.. watching the news. As I have been since I woke up at 9 am yesterday morning. It's kind of comforting.. but it's just the same info over and over and over.. Maybe I need to hear it a million times. To get it through my head. That this happened. All of those people are gone. The indestructible US has a boo boo. I get to thinking about what it means to live in my country. What it means to be a citizen. I was born in this country. When you're born into a country, do you have no choice but to defend it? No choice but to be proud of where you come from? I don't always agree with the things the United State does. I don't necessarily like our President. I bitch about laws and policies that are "unfair". Roll my eyes at taxes. But I know that compared to others around the world I don't have it bad. I think it's horrible when people around the world die needlessly, and I know it happens every day. Reporters could get on the air and relay tragedies 24 hours a day and still would not be able to cover all of the sad and disgusting things that happen in this world. The attack on the US is just a speck, a dot, among the terrible things that take place. But did thousands of innocent people at work deserve to die? Does any country deserve to have their own planes turned against them? I have no choice but to feel for my country, and feel to defend it.War has been mentioned. I seriously think war is a possibility. Terrorists have dangled a carrot in front of the US. Dropped an invitation in our laps. US buildings around the world have had several attacks in the recent past, and I think by attacking the country directly it's the final straw. I never wanted to believe I could be around for a possible World War III. Desert Storm was when I was in Elementary school.. but now I'm of age and that means my brother, my boyfriend, my friends, my cousin.. could all be shipped out. War is nasty and there are already too many problems going on in the world.. but how can this be resolved? A hippie love-in and a handshake won't mend this.I've been reading a lot of diaries tonight and this morning. Trying to figure out what the world thinks and feels. I've found that more people have compassion than hatred. I'm amazed at the support and love being flooded from people around the world; people I don't even know and I will never see. People who aren't even here, but feel it as if it was their own city; as if it was their own reality. I want to let these people know that the compassion is a two-way street, and in their times of need and concern the love is just an ocean away. I wish I could hug everyone who had kind words and say thank you. So I guess thank you! ::Hugs::More than anything I wonder if the Pentagon and Towers are it. What if there is more to come? The fourth plane crashed into a field, so we may never know what building it was targeting. Possibly a second attack on the Pentagon, or an attack on the White House. Maybe some other monument, or an airforce base. It's not necessarily the earthquake, but the aftershocks. The quake hit. Now where could something hit next, what if there's something hidden or yet to come. There could be another attack tomorrow; there could be an attack in a month. I don't know who is responsible for the attack, but I do know they killed 266 people on commercial flights, an estimated 800 at the Pentagon, thousands in the Twin Towers, and an estimated 200 rescue people. I hope the terrorists pay dearly.I sit here.. and I just don't know what to think or say. Why do countries even have to "attack" each other or use force? Why do we have to have high security? Why did our high security fail? How can our country be secure? I just know that I'm awake, but like a zombie. History is just going to keep repeating itself, isn't it? I guess I'm just going to sit here until the sun comes up.. and go hang my American flag in front of my house.

United States kicked in the balls

Today has been the most incredible day. I didn't want to think the US could ever be a huge target like it was today.. I woke up at 9 Pacific time and the tv was blaring away about America Under Attack. Saw the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers, the pictures of the Pentagon, the pictures of the plane near Pittsburgh. Saw the fires, the people falling from the buildings, the clouds of smoke and papers. Words don't describe how I feel.. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know if I'm supposed to stop and cry because it's my country, and this attack could have been on anywhere in the United States, or if I'm just supposed to say "oh well" and go about my daily business. It's just so bizarre.. this is my country. This is where I live.My hurt has started to turn to anger, as I look at how stupid the US can be to allow these four tragedies to occur in the first place. How is it that four different security slips occur, within hours of eachother, on the same coast? How can four planes be hijacked at the same time and be used against the country in which owns and runs them? How can American citizens be used as a missle against their own fellow citizens? How did this all happen with the planes being tracked on radar? Isn't there restricted air over the Pentagon? Then after the fact, we were given details about where the President and Vice President were, and updates on where our local military people were headed, and this and that. Gee, any terrorists with CNN can see exactly what the US is doing. A lot of the US was shut down today, but I don't think a day is enough. It's amazing how security just goes downhill after a couple of hours fly by..Another problem that I see is how easily we let people into our country to begin with. People in Canada (and I'm not dissing on Canada, I love our little neighbors to the North) can just come across the border (like the guy with explosives in his car who wanted to blow up the Space Needle) and also across the Mexican border. People fly into our country all the time from all over the world on Visa's and they're just free to frolic all they want. That's dangerous. I just hope Bush actually does something about this, and not let the past attacks on our embassy's, ships, and today's tragedy go unpunished and allow terrorists to go on about their merry way of violence and hatred, with their arrogant attitudes. The world could easily have another war on its hands.. which is scary. I just cannot believe the terrorists have not been squashed yet. You see them on the news shooting their guns and celebrating.. and it makes me want to shove their own weapons in their mouths and give them something to really chew on.Lets just hope our country beefs up security PERMANENTLY, and we check into incoming visitors more closely. I don't think anyone from the suspected terrorist countries should be allowed into the US until wah-his-name is captured. I think the US should also make it clear that they will bomb whatever country is harboring the suspected terrorists, so people will push the culprit out where he/she/they/it have nowhere to hide.Inside of myself I give thoughts of prayer to the poor people at the center of this mess.. and I pray the US has brains enough to defend itself, and do so in a decent manner for the rest of time.

United States kicked in the balls

Today has been the most incredible day. I didn't want to think the US could ever be a huge target like it was today.. I woke up at 9 Pacific time and the tv was blaring away about America Under Attack. Saw the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers, the pictures of the Pentagon, the pictures of the plane near Pittsburgh. Saw the fires, the people falling from the buildings, the clouds of smoke and papers. Words don't describe how I feel.. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know if I'm supposed to stop and cry because it's my country, and this attack could have been on anywhere in the United States, or if I'm just supposed to say "oh well" and go about my daily business. It's just so bizarre.. this is my country. This is where I live.My hurt has started to turn to anger, as I look at how stupid the US can be to allow these four tragedies to occur in the first place. How is it that four different security slips occur, within hours of eachother, on the same coast? How can four planes be hijacked at the same time and be used against the country in which owns and runs them? How can American citizens be used as a missle against their own fellow citizens? How did this all happen with the planes being tracked on radar? Isn't there restricted air over the Pentagon? Then after the fact, we were given details about where the President and Vice President were, and updates on where our local military people were headed, and this and that. Gee, any terrorists with CNN can see exactly what the US is doing. A lot of the US was shut down today, but I don't think a day is enough. It's amazing how security just goes downhill after a couple of hours fly by..Another problem that I see is how easily we let people into our country to begin with. People in Canada (and I'm not dissing on Canada, I love our little neighbors to the North) can just come across the border (like the guy with explosives in his car who wanted to blow up the Space Needle) and also across the Mexican border. People fly into our country all the time from all over the world on Visa's and they're just free to frolic all they want. That's dangerous. I just hope Bush actually does something about this, and not let the past attacks on our embassy's, ships, and today's tragedy go unpunished and allow terrorists to go on about their merry way of violence and hatred, with their arrogant attitudes. The world could easily have another war on its hands.. which is scary. I just cannot believe the terrorists have not been squashed yet. You see them on the news shooting their guns and celebrating.. and it makes me want to shove their own weapons in their mouths and give them something to really chew on.Lets just hope our country beefs up security PERMANENTLY, and we check into incoming visitors more closely. I don't think anyone from the suspected terrorist countries should be allowed into the US until wah-his-name is captured. I think the US should also make it clear that they will bomb whatever country is harboring the suspected terrorists, so people will push the culprit out where he/she/they/it have nowhere to hide.Inside of myself I give thoughts of prayer to the poor people at the center of this mess.. and I pray the US has brains enough to defend itself, and do so in a decent manner for the rest of time.

Candles and cake and daisychains

My days are all mixed up, so I don't know what the hell I'm typing about which day. Lets just say since I've last written I've done a lot of sitting around, some job hunting and shopping, and I went in to get my first ever "female exam" (and yes, it hurt a little ;( ). The weather is a little nicer than it has been.. go figure. Summer is supposed to be over and the freakin' sun is out and shining. Where's the rain and clouds?! But I guess the Fall sun is nice to look at. I just have two more weeks and then I have to go back to school.. blah. Sometimes I really love school and sometimes I really hate it. And of course, I always hate traffic, cars, people and being in public. I just hope I don't have a heart attack trying to tackle 21 credits this quarter. I have no idea if Lisa has made a registration appointment; I just know she was waiting on her transcripts to come in from her previous school.I keep looking for a job. But nothing! I am the virus of the working world I guess. I'm giving up on Best Buy, their system seems stupid. Yankee Candle is supposed to call by next month with seasonal work. I have a couple of other options available, but it's like shit I've been looking for a job since the end of May. I tried typing up a resume yesterday, but I didn't have much to put on it. I have no skills and not a lot of job experience. No clubs, no awards, no volunteer experience. I figure I'll start volunteering somewhere once a week.. get some volunteer credits. B is back in school. He's not too happy with going 4 days a week, but at least he'll get some of his required stuff out of the way. He's gone on some interviews so hopefully he'll have a job soon and we can start putting away some money. I was PMS and bitchy to him yesterday, which made me annoyed at myself. I love him a lot and he's the only guy who has never given me a load of bullshit, so hurting him hurts me. I'm glad he can put up with me and he still wants to stick with me.Tomorrow is my mom's Birthday, so I need to bake a cake and go find some candles and buy the last of her present, plus go check on some jobs and then surprise her on her lunch break. Busy busy..

Looking at clouds

I haven't been up to too much. Surprised?My parents went out of town for the weekend to camp with neighbors. Aaron and I decided the weather would probably be crappy over there, and we didn't feel like being away for three days just to sit around and play cards and eat peanuts, so we stayed home. B called me on Saturday and we talked for awhile. I know it makes him really happy to hear my voice, it means a lot to him. Just can't afford to do it that often. That night I started to clean out the attic since it's always such a mess. My parents just throw shit in there and then we can never find anything. So I started to put Holiday decorations in one section, furniture in another, empty boxes in one, etc. Sunday morning I finished cleaning it out, and it looks good now. On Sunday Aaron decided to switch his furniture in his room around, so he did that. He's been trying to clean his room for three weeks or so now, and still has not been able to do it. He threw some stuff in the attic today that didn't fall in the designated spaces I made, so that irritated me :P and I had to place his crap where it "belongs." I also started decorating these old tins my mom has. I figured I could make them into candle holders. Lately I just get all worked up and I'm super hyper and I need "projects" to work on, so I decorate things or work on my scarf. I still need to tackle my hundreds of poems/songs and put them into a notebook, but it'll take forever because I have to sort them out by year and make sure all of the copies are together and check for changes I've made on them.Today in the Pacific Northwest magazine there was an article about a local author who wrote a book about Kurt Cobain, so I read that. I still find Kurt Cobain to be one of the most fascinating people I have ever heard of, and I find his life to be mysterious, chilling and sad. I don't know why I feel so close to his story, but I do. There's a part of me that keeps thinking he has to be alive, hidden away somewhere, and someday he'll resurface and then people will be able to say "wow, your life was really something."Tomorrow I'm back on the job hunt. I turned an application into Yankee Candle on Friday. The job is supposedly nights and Saturday night. Hopefully they'll give me a call since I have seasonal experience, but I still need to keep looking, anyway, since I've been unsuccessful so far. B has an interview, himself, tomorrow. The CC sent me a letter saying I owe another freakin' $30 in lab fees.. It's amazing that all of these money changes keep popping up. I thought I was in CC, not University. It's supposed to be cheap!

Sunny days.. why won't the unemployment just go away

The last few days the weather has been decent. I went out and laid in the sun one day. I wish it would just turn to Fall, though, instead of this lame Summer weather. It's just cloudy, then it's sunny and hot, then rainy. I'd rather just have a cool Autumn with rain and leaves and have that nice smell in the air.Over the weekend my brother talked to my cousin Valarie. She was saying things like she wishes she had gone to school, so she's going to try to get into school, and she's on sick leave from work, and her roommate is also pregnant so she hopes their two kids can be best friends, and her mother-in-law doesn't support her, and her husband wants her to move back to PA with him. It just makes me mad that she was engaged and screwed it all up by not going on birth control, so she got pregnant out of wedlock and then ends up eloping with the guy and now all of a sudden she wants to have the kid and dump it off at the babysitters so she can go to school. It's very irresponsible. My aunt (her stop-mom) is very angry about being a "grandmother", so to rub it in we're going to mail her a license plate for Christmas that says "Happiness is being a grandma."My grandma called this morning and left a message stating that my aunt is coming into town for the weekend, and my other aunt is going to drive up from the South end, so she wanted to know if we wanted to get together with all of them. I'm like uh.. I dunno. My parents are going to be out of town, so that leaves me to decide if I'm going to be nice and represent our branch.My great aunt sent a letter with some pictures of our family from Christmas '93. In the card she mentioned that she and my great uncle are going off to Spain, England, Canada, etc. soon. I told my mom they're probably taking the money from the logged family property (that is supposed to go towards the care for my great grandma) and using it for their own amusement.I went and filled out a job application but never got a call back. I filled out an online application for another place and went in for an interview today, but the place of business isn't going to open up until the end of September and they can't guarentee any jobs, so I'm just going to continue my search and hope someone will fucking hire me before I turn 30. Lisa went down to try and get student housing for school, but it didn't work out so she's going to be attending community college with me for at least a semester. I'm going to try and type up all of my poems/songs and their alternate versions so I can put them in notebooks and keep track of them. Whenever I go through and read things I've written it's amazing to me.. I've written some really ugly and passionate stuff.I found some furniture that I want in a K-Mart ad.. so today I transferred some money so I can go buy it. I figure if I can stock things up now it'll be an easier transition when I actually do go to move later on.*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

I'm calming down?

Yesterday I woke up and hung around the house. Figured I'd try and work on some art projects or writing or *something* creative that I used to do. My biggest accomplishment was cleaning up my closet. I also started to decorate a bottle. I've done two bottles, so I thought well why not add a third. I'm not really sure what to use them for; maybe vases or candle holders.My family was acting very nutty. I had a lot of laughs yesterday, though, so it was a good thing. My family went out to dinner, but I wasn't in the mood to leave the house. So I hung out and talked to B. He turned on the webcam for awhile, so I got to see his cute little face. I also updated my real diary, which often goes untouched. I think I pour myself into these online diaries and then there isn't anything left for my real diary, which is the one that will get passed down through my family. Today I woke up really late (grrr I hate that) and watched tv. Took a shower. I was going to go over and see Lisa since she's leaving tomorrow, but she called (from in front of the house) before I had a chance to finish getting ready. So she came in and we talked for awhile. Then she left to go finish packing and do those last minute things. If she can't find school housing at her new school she's just going to come back and live here for half a year and attend the CC with me (which would be very cool). If she stayed then she'd be here for Fall, which means we could go to the pumpkin patch and do all of the cool Fall things.I'm in a cleaning mood. Sometimes I just feel so neat and tidy, and I want to organize everything and make it look nice. I really hope I don't drive B nuts with my tidybowl girl hysteria. Today I feel calm, though, compared to how I was a couple days ago. Hyper as can be with adrenaline pumping a mile a minute.Tomorrow my brother is taking my car to work while his is in the shop. It's like okay that puts the job search on delay for a day.. blah.

Big pink pig

On the 15th Lisa and I went and saw Legally Blonde. It was a cute movie, not hilarious like they made it sound in commercials, but cute. Afterwards we went and had some fries at McDonald's. It was good to hang out with Lisa.. I don't do much with people so when I do it's like woah.. activities. We pretty much sat there and talked about school and made fun of people.On the 16th I woke up and felt like crap.. had an attack of my-period-came-early and cramps. Threw some clothes on and went to the dentist. He said my teeth were looking good. Took an x-ray of my mouth and determined I only have three wisdom teeth, and they're still pretty far up, so no need to worry about removing them as of yet.Went home.. spent the day laying around the house feeling nasty.Today I woke up and watched some TV. Jenny Jones was boring today. Seems like every time I'm home some stupid show is on, not anything cool like chics with plastic surgery who think they're all that, or out of control teens. Took a shower. Did some laundry. Talked to my B (who is *very* sexy, by the way). We discussed future plans, like school and his moving and visiting. Just the mention of that kind of stuff makes me happy.. it feels so good to know someone is on the same page as you. We looked into some moving costs (which is majorly jumping ahead of ourselves..) but I'd be dying of curiosity if we didn't. Grade report came in the mail. Oh sweet grades of mine. Oh yeah.. my mom has a flat tire so she took "my" car today. She didn't want to make dinner tonight (which was technically last night since it's 1 am)and since I wouldn't run to McDonald's for her she had a tantrum and locked herself in her room. After the big dinner debate I talked to B again and he said lots of cute little things that made me happy. I wish I could have his cuddles.*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

Oh yeah..*P...

Oh yeah..*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

Made the grade

Last night I did some knitting for my scarf. Today I got up and hung around the house. Went and laid out in the sun for awhile, then vacuumed and washed the car. Woo, finally got the chores out of the way. :P The mail came and still no tests. Grrr. After that I took a shower and got online to talk to my man (yesterday I said I was picking up on his grammar, etc., but it's not entirely from him, my mom makes up words and does things that contribute to the loss of writing ability). Anywho, so I talked to my man for awhile and Lisa and I made plans to go see a movie tomorrow. I'm very broke.. I need a job bad. Going out = spending money, which = scary.My uncle called from GA. I guess my cousin has been having pretty bad morning sickness, so she'll probably be losing her job due to missed time. He said that my aunt (who is my cousin's stepmother) doesn't want to be the step-grandmother to the child, so she's just to be known as "the chic that's married to grandpa." Mmmhmm. It was already sad that my cousin got pregnant outside of marriage at such a young age, but it's even sadder that her own stepmother won't have a part in the child's life. My uncle kept saying that my brother should get a girl pregnant so he won't be the only grandfather in the group, but my brother and my parents aren't jumping at that idea.In other family news, I e-mailed my cousin in FL and asked how the family is doing over there. I also recently found out that the land the family cabin is on has been pretty much entirely logged, and the debris pushed up against the entrance to the trail that leads up to the top of the mountain. So not only is the entire area a vast wasteland of dirt and stumps, you can't even climb the mountain to see the surrounding view. I just can't believe my family sometimes.. My parents, brother and I have missed the last five or six family events, and I was kind of feeling guilty about it. But the more I think about my family, the more I'm glad I didn't go participate in their stupid little celebrations. Why waste the time. Today Elise popped into my head. It's August.. she's leaving in August. She said she wanted to see me before she left. Ahhh! I don't think she will stop by, but everytime the doorbell rings I'm like shit, where can I hide? I really do not want to see that girl. I told Justin, Lisa and my brother that we should all go down to Dick's though and get some food. If she's there, well we can pretend we don't know her and tell the manager we saw her lick our food. Lauren IMed me a couple of times.. the first time she said some stupid line, and I was getting ready to respond and she said what's taking so long bitch, and I was like whatever.. I'm not replying now. People used to call me "bitch" in highschool, which bothered me even then, but now it really bothers me and there's no way I'm going to answer to it. Some good news is that grades were finally posted online. Yay! I can shut up about grades now! I received A, A, A-. So three A's. I can live with that, that's good. I'm happy. I feel like I'm addicted to A's now though.. I think about those four classes I signed up for in Fall and I'm just thinking I have to get A's! All A's! Just hope my hyper energy will make it through a month off and then ten weeks of class.

Somet...

Sometimes I feel so stupid. You know what I've noticed? My grammar and spelling have gone downhill. I read some of the stuff I've written in my journals, and work I've done for school, and I want to just bang my head against the wall. I blame it on B.. ever since I've been talking to him I've picked up on his spelling, grammar, and phrasing. Thanks honey. ;)

A million things

Over the weekend I basically laid out in the sun. Yesterday my family packed up our crap and headed to the beach for the day (which is interesting with my family, because my dad feels the need to bring every damn gadget ever invented to the beach). We finally got there and settled in. There were, of course, some annoying people there with crying kids and barking dogs, but it actually wasn't too bad. Some mother behind us was too busy talking to her friend to pay attention to her kid. The poor baby sat there and kept crying "mommy" but the mom was just chatting away. The sunscreen I used was spf 15, but I still got burnt in some places and tanned unevenly. It was some pretty crappy stuff because it also made me break out into hives on my arms, legs, and chest.I keep checking the school website for my grades, but they haven't posted them yet. I should be getting my finals in the mail from my Psych classes. It's like come on, hurry, I want to know how I did. You bust your butt in your classes and you kind of want to know how you did. I now have six weeks off, so I'm going to try and relax I guess. I feel hyper though, like I need to take care of everything I haven't done in the last couple months. Everything from getting a job to repairing my camera to working on my art projects to updating my writing to studying my books. I don't know when I got so hyper over things.A few days ago our little fish died. She had been laying on the bottom of her bowl (it's actually a square..) and then she finally stopped moving and died. It's sad, but she did hold on a lot longer than our other fish.There's so much I want to do, but I don't have any damn money. And if I got a job I'd be too busy working to do anything with my money. Grrr? Grrr!*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

My celebrity rant

Celebrities. What's up with them? Some of them are serious artists or activists, but some of them are just jokes. Take Britney Spears, for example. Take an average American girl, with average mousy hair, and an average sounding voice. Put her in sparkles and a tiny top, colored sun glasses and dye her hair. Put her in a push up bra, airbrush her skin and put her on the cover of Rolling Stone. Heavily promote her mediocre record of songs she didn't even write. There's your star. Mariah Carey. Ooooh she's *so* tired; had a breakdown. Gee, if I woke up every morning and had someone serve me my breakfast, do my hair and makeup, drive me around town, dress me up in a slutty outfit and prop me up in front of a tv camera with cue cards to read I'd probably be tired, too. Gimme a break. These people were just average until someone "discovered" them and then plastered them all over the media. Then little Suzie and Johnny take a liking to them, and then Suzie and Johnny's friends, and then their friends, and so goes the snowball of "stars." Think about it.. nowadays you see so many "stars" and music acts.. Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, Five, N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, Eden's Crush, O-Town (what a dumb name), Dream, etc. Does that mean more and more talented people are being discovered? No. It just means more and more average people are being dolled up and put into show business. And I'm sick of seeing their airbrushed images and screaming fans everywhere. I'm sick of the media praising them. I'm sick of the N'Sync dolls and TRL mania. I'm sick of their lives being news. P Diddy goes on trial? Who cares?!Celebrities, get a real job!

Waitin' for the grade

Did I pass my finals? I think so.I didn't get as much studying done as I had wanted (but isn't that the way it always goes?) and I had a hard time concentrating.. so I just took some notes and went over my class notes before the tests. I finished my Abnormal test with 30 minutes to go before the Sex class stated, so I looked over my notes real quick and started in on the other test. I'm not sure how I did, but I know no matter what I will pass the classes and get an A; just maybe not a 4.0 as I had wanted. Afterwards I went to the bank and post office. Spent the day laying around with my mom and catching up on my sleep. Yesterday was also my parents' 26th Anniversary, so they went out to dinner. I made brownies for my parents and wrote on the sidewalk "Happy 26th Anniversary" and all of that stuff.Today I went shopping with my mom. There are back to school sales everywhere so I'm trying to take advantage of them to buy stuff on my uh.. very tight budget. I ended up getting a sweater coat thingy, a shirt, and three pairs of underwear. Once I get a job I'll work on pants and other necessities. The weather is finally warming up, so I laid out in the sun for a couple of hours. Later I laid in bed for awhile, just kind of felt crappy (damn headaches.. those will probably never go away). My mom woke me up for dinner and was all lets go to a movie, and everyone was like "yeah!" so I got dressed real quick and we went and saw The Others. By the time we got there the previews were rolling and there weren't any good seats left, so we picked the very last row that had 4 seats, but the seat I got was broken so my poor mom had to sit behind us in the handicapped seat. The movie was good, though.The drive home was, of course, eventful. Damn idiots all over the road.. teenagers pulling in front of you. Some idiot drove in front of us to turn into the mall and drove in the exit side, not the entrance side. Who gave that dumbshit a license? Then the light turned green and we were turning, and some asshole started to walk across the street when he had a dead no walk sign. Where do these people come from? Every other person in the world is an asshole. Once we got to our neighborhood we cruised the block to see what was going on.. drove by some jerk's house (he lied to all of our neighbors, it's a long story) and he was standing in his yard so I made faces at him. People in my neighborhood irritate me. Just a bunch of egotistical-over educated-gas guzzling-SUV driving-soccer mommy and daddy-snot nosed brat raising-self absorbed-designer clothes wearing LOSERS who think they are better than everyone else. It's frustrating to live in a society where people don't care for others or follow laws or well.. even act decent.I miss my B. :( Sometimes I feel like I'm a bitch to him.. I get my headaches and it's hot out and I get all irritated and I snap at him.. makes me feel really bad. He treats me so wonderfully.*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

Oops.. lost a week or two

I haven't written lately, mostly because not much has been going on. Just my usual school/home routine. This is my last week of Summer classes. My instructor finished both of her lectures today, so there's no class tomorrow (which gives me a chance to do some serious studying.) Finals are on Thursday and then I'm done. If I get A's on both of my remaining finals there's a good chance I can 4.0 in all three of my classes, so I'm aiming for that. This week we have had some interesting topics of discussion.. one day in my Sexuality class we even watched some porn clips. Very interesting.My brother mentioned to me that he hates it when I talk to people about him, so after this entry I will probably be mentioning him very little, or not at all. On Friday he went in for jaw surgery. I was scared for him, and he was a little nervous, but not doing as bad as I would have been in his place. We drove downtown and went through the pre-op procedure and then sat in the waiting room. The surgery lasted two hours, and he was then in recovery for one hour. After that they moved him to his room for the night, and my parents, myself, and his girlfriend all went up to see him. He was doing pretty good, still drowsy. His face and lips were really swollen and he had an icepack on his head/face. It was kind of cute though.. he had a tube in his nose for oxygen, and after he fell asleep he was snoring with the tube in his nose. Kind of weird.We left at 9:30 that night and returned at 7:45 the next morning. Checked him out at about 11:30. He said during the night he had nice nurses, except for one rude one that ripped the icepack off of his head and just made a lot of noise in his room. He had to use the bathroom around 1 am, but instead of calling the bitch nurse he said he just moved his tray, got out of bed, and dragged his IV behind him to the bathroom. Once we got him home we propped him up on the couch. In order to eat he had to squirt liquid into his mouth with a needle that has a plastic tip on the end. By the end of the day he was eating soft foods like applesauce and could even sip from a cup. I was pretty amazed. So.. he's just been sitting on the couch watching movie after movie. Swelling has gone down a lot. His woman is over here every day babying him. She had a procedure done on her foot today, so when I got home from class there were two little patients sitting in my family room.My dad finally wrote to State Farm (::coughcoughgag::) complaining about the service we received and the amount charged for car insurance. Our agent sent a letter back that basically said "sorry sorry sorry", but that's all bs and doesn't change anything now, does it? So I plan on writing complaint letters of my own, and mailing them off to the appropriate agencies. I get so sick of these companies ripping people off, especially when they've been "valued clients" for 25 years and no one in the family has any accidents or tickets. Little goody goody drivers.. and in the end does it matter? No. Because insurance companies don't care AT ALL about the health or well-being of their customers.I get so sick of drivers acting like shitheads. Cutting me off, pulling out in front of me. Yesterday I was waiting to turn onto 99 and some bitch pulled out from behind me and went around, when our lane has to wait because the opposite lane has the right away. I was like fucking bitch.. I wanted to go ram into her car. I am really, really irritated with driving and cars and people.Lately the weather hasn't been too great. Not the usual Summer we experience around here. Kind of medium temps and clouds. Blah. So much for my tan. ;PB is doing okay.. just moving along. Things aren't great with him, but they've been worse. Yesterday we were talking about schools and where he would transfer up here, so I'm going to try and send some school catalogs for him to look at. I always feel like he isn't be taken very good care of, so I try and take the best care of him I can. It just sucks that I can't do the mommy/homemaker thing yet and fuss over everything.*Pay more. Expect less. State Farm.*

Irregular heartbeat + bloodpressure = ?

I am too screwed up.I went to class on Wednesday, and we just sat around and filled out our little fitness worksheets. Class was coming to an end and what does my instructor do? Gives us our final test. As a take home. So Wednesday night instead of doing my article that was due Thursday, I sat there for hours and looked up the answers to my 100-question multiple choice test. I skipped out of my Psych classes, thinking it would give me more time, but I didn't accomplish what I had expected to.Yesterday in class we finished up our work and portfolios and turned them in. I turned in my test, also, and the instructor graded them real quick. I got an 88 on it. S'alright with me, whatever. I should get an A out of the class.. I'll know by Wednesday. I skipped out of Psych again (seeing as I had been up until 2 the previous night and I was dead tired) and stopped by the bookstore on the way home. I was looking for an APA writing book, but all I found were stupid writing books, one of which mentioned APA on two whole pages. So I gave up and went home. Last night I felt sick.. it's one of those things where you feel like you're going to throw up and you have a really bad headache.Today my mom took the Malibu to work, so the guy from the car lot could come by and put the new plates on it. She woke me up at 7 am to ask me how to release the parking brake. It's amazing, but she made it to work in once piece.I woke up at 10:30 and ate and watched TV. After that I was thinking about the insurance company and I got so riled up and my stress level skyrocketed.. so I hit the treadmill to try and get my energy out. Then I took a shower and ate some soup and sat down to try and do my Psych article. All I have done is the title page. My heart just isn't in it at the moment.. Things anger me so much. Like *every* little thing. Shithead insurance companies. Stores that rip people off. "Popular" people who treat others like crap. Everything pisses me off and stresses me out and gets me riled up. I just hate everything so much. Another thing that stresses me out is money. I don't even have a job or any money. I worry about my parents, and them paying for everything that they do. I hate money. I'd rather be in debt and work at paying everything than feel guilty for my parents paying for everything and worrying where they'll get the money from.My dad still hasn't straightened out the insurance mess. Everything that affects me I have no control over. I'm the one being insured on the damn car, and it's all a mess. And I can't even call to straighten it out, cos it's not my car. So I'll just sit and wait for two weeks until my dad can get around to it.I feel like a total psycho stressed out nutcase. I feel like I go crazier and get more bitter with each year. Lately I've been super touchy and moody. I feel like I'm a bitch, especially when I talk to B and get all snappy.

Surrounded by A$$H@LE$

If anybody has State Farm insurance, you should be kicking yourself right now.The day started off fine.Went to Wellness.. blah what a boring class that has become. We talked about weights and exercises today. I hate the exercise portion of the class.. we don't actually have to do any but we have to make an exercise plan and there's a million worksheets to fill out. I found out I got 12 extra credit points, so my test score went up to an 87. Can't complain about that.Abnormal Psych was kind of boring, talked about neuro transmitters. Some guy came and talked to us about being Bi-polar. In Sexuality we talked about sexual dysfunction. Got our tests back.. I received a score of 96. Can't ask for much more than that. Made me pretty damn happy and glad that I've improved my study habits.At this point, I will now bitch about crazy drivers. I went to the parking lot and got into the car. Turned on the radio, locked the doors, all of the pre-drive rituals. I pulled out of the parking spot and stopped at the end of the row and waited for other cars to pass by. Well, as I waited some asshole in a truck started to back at straight at me, and I'm like HELLO, AHHH, etc. There was nowhere for me to go! He saw me before he got too far, and thank God I didn't have a heart attack. I then pulled out, and on the way down to the main road the truck asshole decided the speed limit wasn't fast enough, so he zipped off around me and pulled in front of me. I wish I had a gun.. I'd like to shoot shitheads like that. First they almost back into you, then they zip around you like they're the God of the road. People were driving like idiots today, I don't know how many times I was like AHHH don't hit me for fucks sake, watch where you're going.I got home, ate and watched some TV. I felt tired so I laid down for a nap, because if I'm not awake and my brain isn't functioning I obviously can't do any work. So I laid down and napped, and then woke up and had something to eat. My head was kind of hurting.. has been aching a little off and on all day. I did a little bit of homework, but not nearly as much as I need or should get done. I don't feel very motivated to do any of the work I have due this week.. I know it'll get done somehow but I was just feeling kind of eh. Took a shower. Went down to dinner.My dad got home about then, and he was opening the mail. The insurance bill and insurance cards had arrived. Like I had mentioned before, on the phone they told my dad it would be over $800 every 6 months to insure me and the car. My dad was already pissed off about that. He had changed the deductible and taken off towing, because I now have Triple A and roadside assistance. Well the bill came, and the stupid fucking idiots not only had the wrong deductible, but they had towing still on there, too. The bill was a whopping $1,000+. Over a thousand fucking dollars every 6 months for that car. They want us to pay $2,000 A YEAR for *ONE* car. Stupid motherfucking money hungry, braindead, deaf, idiot assholes can't even get our insurance right, and they charge us a shitload of money. I REALLY *REALLY* hope nobody has State Farm insurance, because I feel BAD for you.At that point I became very upset. I mean, here I had been in the car during the accident. I was driving. It wasn't my fault, but it's still like I should of seen something, should of done something. It's like I could of seen something, I could of done something. And now we have to go through all of this shit with the insurance company and sleazy car salespeople and tabs and all of this extra bullshit stress that my parents do not need, and the insurance company is the worst of them all. I get so angry, and sometimes I blame myself so much. It's as if *I* caused the stress, it's my fault my parents have to deal with this. I got so angry.. I just started to cry and my mom was like oh stop it, and I was like shut the hell up, you weren't the one who was in an accident in that car. I mean, I can't do a damn thing. Just sit back and smile and wait for phone tag to iron out the problems with our situation. Because the insurance assholes DON'T GET IT, and they DON'T CARE. So what can I do? Nothing. Just sit here because I have no way to channel my anger, nothing to do, no way to help. This was a situation that started off only with me, and *I* can't do a damn thing about it. So I just bend over and the insurance company acts like morons and I take it up the ass. So after I started crying I just went upstairs, grabbed my dinner off of the counter. I was so angry I forgot a fork, so I just sat in the TV room and ate with my fingers. ::Sigh:: I knew it would never, ever stop.

...

Written earlier:Ugh! President Bush is such a jackass. This illegal immigrant thing drives me nuts. Why on earth would anyone want to make over 3 million illegal immigrants permanent residents? First these people sneak into our country, then they run all over the place and beg for jobs or money. They live off of our government programs and taxes. Now Bush wants to make them residents, which only encourages more illegal immigrants to sneak into the country and live off of us. Plus, once these people are residents our taxes pay for their training programs. What the hell is up with that? Bush just wants to train all of these immigrants and send them back to Mexico, so they have education and skills, which they earned on our time and money, and then he can do more business with Mexico and the President there. Not only that, but by doing such a thing he gets in good with minorities and makes it look like he cares about them and he's trying to do something to educate them. Plus, a lot of immigrants will work for whatever wage you suggest to them, so he can probably weasel some cheap labor out of the deal.

Seeing A's (I hope)

Last night I couldn't sleep, because I had the Sexuality test today. I noticed lately that I can't sleep the night before a test, which is really annoying. But I got up this morning and ate and got to class on time, which is good.In Wellness we talked more about the final project. The instructor informed us that the test we took was based entirely on our textbook, and not any of the lecture notes. Gee, I wish she would of mentioned that *before* we took the test. I got a 75 on it, which isn't great, but I passed, and some in there can't even say that. It's funny my score was that low, because I read all of the chapters. Anyway, she forgot to hand out the extra credit questions on Thursday, so we filled those out today. With the extra credit my test score should go up to a B.My Abnormal Psych test was also ready. Diana cancels out questions that everybody in the clas answers wrong, and there were a couple fo those, so they were freebies. I ended up with a score of 91, which I'm very happy with. Now I just need to continue working on that article, which is not an easy assignment. I'm glad I have my Intro Psych book still, though, cos it's helpful. Took the Sexuality test. I think I got an A on it.. I answered the questions with little trouble and I knew exactly what to write for the essay questions.Today it was really rainy, which we haven't had rain in awhile. This week I have to spend some time away from B so I can finish all of my work.. I'm determined to get all A's. I have reading and extra credit to do this weekend. I feel bad, but he understands I have a lot of stuff to do and I need to raise my gpa. I wish I could smooch him and hug him. Aaron and Julie's relationship is getting very EH.

Full

Today I slept in.. as I usually do on my days off. I woke up even later than usual, though. I rolled out of bed at almost noon and made myself some breakfast/lunch and watched a little tv. After that I took a shower and got cleaned up. Had something else to eat, then settled into studying for Monday's Sexuality test. I think I'll do better on this test than I did with the Abnormal Psych test; even though I feel I did alright on the Abnormal one. Only time will tell.I'm also hoping for some good news on my Wellness test. Tomorrow I have to study for the test, work on my fitness program for Wellness and my article for Abnormal Psych. More than I want to think about right now, but I'll get through it.Tonight we went out for dinner for my Birthday. We went to Olive Garden (Julie came along) and that was fun. We went early so there wouldn't be the long, boring wait and big crowd. I ordered the Seafood Portofino or whatever it was.. very good stuff. I usually get Shrimp Primavera, but now the two are tied for my favorite. After dinner we came home and watched re-runs of "Leave it to Beaver" that my parents had recorded at our previous house. That show was actually funny.. I remember it being dull and stupid.Lisa and I need to do something soon, before she goes off to school. I think a movie would be cool, or going to the mall and looking around. Of course that would suck for her, because she works there now, but I'd like to look for a license plate holder. We also need to go do our "nature stuff". Maybe if the sun comes out again we can go to the beach.The last couple of days my emotions have been on the low cycle.. I feel kind of indifferent I guess. I love my B, and we talk about everything. He knows so much about me it's almost scary, but not scary. I feel very close to him and I miss him, and I know he misses me a lot.

The new journal

So.. this is my first entry. I don't have much to say at the moment.. I'm just watching USA and talking to my man. I don't know how often I will actually update this journal, as I already have one. I guess you can never have enough journals to express yourself or whine in, though. I guess more than anything I'm in a cuddly mood, and I'm in the state where you're awake, but not quite awake, and you can think clearly, but you really aren't motivated to do anything, and if you did attempt to do something you'd get sleepy. I don't know if that makes sense, but draw your own conclusions. Yay, I hope my journal is coo.